Got an internet bandwidth upgrade today. The flow into the house had been 1.0 Mbps, now 10.0 Mbps. Imagine you’re in your backyard, frustrated, trying to water the flowers with a nozzle pressure akin to a ninety year old urethra when suddenly, upstream, somebody undoes the kink in the hose. Sweet Jesus!
Let’s back up.
It all started with a phone call to Amazon customer support wherein I wondered why the movie I’d just ordered from them would not start. Downloading downloading downloading ….
Sir: We recommend >=3.0 Mbps for HD video. Have you tried the SD version?
Why no, I hadn’t.
Refund.
I purchase the SD version. Downloading downloading downloading ….
Email: Uh, yeah, me again. No go with the SD version either.
Re: Sorry to hear you experienced problems with Amazon Prime Video.
Refund.
I go to the web site. FAQ says: While we support 1.0 Mbps for streaming video, we recommend >=1.5 Mbps for SD.
Here, “support” means we’ll answer the phone and disappoint you by saying that 1.0 Mbps really isn’t enough bandwidth for streaming movies.
Ugh.
But I love Amazon so the following day I visit our ISP to upgrade our bandwidth. The man behind the counter raises his eyebrows when he brings up my account, “Okay then, 1.0 Mbps, wow, looks like you’re due for an upgrade.” His look of dismay akin to that of a dental hygienist when you haven’t brushed in four years.
Now, instead of bits entering the house through a straw we have a hose. Want a drink, get a bath.
All that was left to do was to reroute the Cat5 cable I’d run from the Blu-ray player, under the living room rug and to the internet wall outlet, through the crawl space instead. This, because Happy Wife had rhetorically asked, “Is that wire going stay there?”
Why no dear, I have a solution!
I drilled two holes through the floor, one through the cherry wood floor in the living room, and you want to have all your wits about you when you drill that one so it is in fact just one and not two or three because you mis-measured the reentry point for the cable. This precision required repeated round trips into the crawl space and back upstairs again, and now I understand why it’s called a crawl space.
This morning I’m experiencing a sharp pain in the general area of my 2nd Chakra, which, who knew, is essential to the proper function of my creativity, sexuality, finances — finances? — and other psychological mysteria.
